Moving Forward

I’ve struggled for a long time now, trying to post about the events of the last couple months.  My life’s changed radically since my last post, but frankly I just haven’t had the energy to rehash all the shit that’s gone down.  I’ve been more focused on dealing with these changes than writing about them.

Today, it hit me. 

Why should I bother?  Everyone who reads this blog knows what’s happened by now.  Maybe it’s not a lack of energy, but a lack of motivation.   And when you get down to it, isn’t a large part of my problem due to my tendency to want to look back, rather than look forward?   

Yeah, I had a horribly shitty childhood fraught with abuse, humiliation, and loneliness.  Does that mean I have to let the rest of my life suck too?

Yeah, I just got out of a horrible, long term relationship that damaged me as a person.  Does that mean that damage has to be permanent?

Yeah, I don’t know much of my history, and I have no real roots or connections to anything.  So why not take the opportunity to define myself now?  Why not make connections now, to people and things that matter to ME?  It’s my life…maybe I should stop hoping that someone will ‘fix’ me and start ‘fixing’ myself?

I’ve been telling people since I left SK that what I’m saddest about is all the time I wasted, and all the life I missed out on.   But today, I realized….I’m not dead yet, and the whole world’s still here.   Life didn’t end…..it’s still here if I want in on some of it.

I got off work today, with vague plans of paying my rent, signing up for a gym membership, and then grabbing some shit from my storage unit.  Well, my landlord was nowhere to be found, so I changed into a black T-shirt, my new camo cargo shorts, black socks, black shoes, and my sunglasses.  I passed by a mirror and suddenly thought, ‘I look kind of badass right now.’ 

I shot down to the gym, paid my membership and it hit me….I’m actually going to do this.  I’m seriously going to start doing things to get back into shape.  I’d started already with my eating habits, grabbing salads instead of burgers and shit all the time.  Call me melodramatic, but it felt like a turning point. 

I didn’t feel like just going home and sitting in front of the computer yet, so I decided to stop in a coffee shop in Daytona I scouted a couple weeks back.   Pics are on my phone, I’ll upload them when I get around to it. 

I walked in, and the vibe just hit me like a sledgehammer.  I MISSED coffee shops!  I mean, you might say ‘but Ben….Starbucks is a coffee shop, and they’re everywhere!’   And if you say that to me, I will shake my head sadly, and it’s because I pity you.  Real coffee shops speak to me.   Coffee shops and bookstores are two of the only places I never feel like I don’t belong there.

I ordered an iced Fighting Latte and no, Melissa….there’s no booze in it.  Silly goose. :P  It’s an iced latte with a shot of Irish cream syrup and English toffee syrup in it, ‘fighting’ it out.  The idea was intriguing, and I’m happy I went for it, because it was QUITE good.  I sat in a very old, sinfully comfortable armchair by the front window, drank my latte, and watched people walking by.  I browsed through fliers of upcoming events in Daytona, and decided to look into a few.

And that’s when it hit me.  I’m done mourning the past, I think.  I’m sure there’s going to be tears for what was, and what should have been, but that’s not going to keep me from what COULD be.   I can take care of myself.   Will I always get it right? No way!  Will I occasionally fuck up royally?  Fuck yeah!

You know what?  I’ll deal with it.

The clock hasn’t run out yet….I can still get in the game if I want.  Pass me that ball, and let’s find out what I can do with it!