All right, let’s see if I still remember how to do this.
Readers of this blog are used to ‘breaks’, where I don’t write for several days. This is the longest yet, but so far only one person has mentioned it and when I explained the reason, she accepted it. I’m not sure what to make of this. Offhand, the only possibilities I can think of are either that no one cares, or that people are willing to let me write if/when the need comes. I choose to believe the second.
Very little of note has transpired in game for me during this hiatus. I haven’t played very much, and the RP I’ve done has been sparse and unsatisfying. I think it’s me. There’s been a shift in my life and my way of thinking. I’ll touch on that later, but I suppose for the sake of completeness, I’d best run down the IG events I do remember:
1. Composer died. It kicked off with a mission to rescue Mark, who had been held captive, and presumably tortured by Composer. The exact details of that torture weren’t touched on, but it seems that Mark came out the other side whole, hale, and hearty. I strongly disagree and was very much annoyed at how it played out, but I suppose it’s not for me to dictate how someone else’s toon would respond to my character’s actions. It doesn’t really matter anyway. After the mission, Petite, Mark, Eric, and Target pursued Composer to where he made his last stand. He fought as well as he could, and died hard and horribly. In a last minute burst of inspiration, I had his armor self-destruct upon his death, reasoning that Composer would want a) to kill those who’d killed him and b) to prevent his remains from being recovered. I suppose I’m happy with the way he ended, but I still plan to bring him back someday.
2. Dr. Akbar Magarian was finally interrogated. I literally was winging it, and although Magarian did come off as cowardly as I’d envisioned, I found myself sympathizing with him more than I’d intended. He got involved with the Zukt’ar through a selfless act of rescue on his part, and when I thought about it, was his fear and cowardice really that surprising? He’d been threatened by the Zukt’ar, and he asked what was he supposed to do. The others felt he should have stood and fought. I hate to break it to you guys, but living in Paragon City doesn’t make you a hero. Magarian is a human scientist with no powers whatsoever. Resisting the Zukt’ar would have earned him death, and for nothing. He’s not entirely a victim, mind you. I prefer to think of him as a very intelligent man who tried to take a ‘shortcut’ in his career and is finding that the price was higher than he’d bargained for.
3. Patrick has defected from Cole’s reign and joined VKD. This threw my plans for Mindlord into flux for a bit, but I’ve since worked it out. Also, apparently at some point, Patrick had married Riely (his spelling, not mine). Would I seem a horrid individual if I said I didn’t care? Or if I said that Patrick/Adam/Eric bore me to tears? I see why no one else in our group rushes to go out of their way to include him. I know you try to include him, P. I also know it’s not your first choice. I appreciate the effort, really.
4. Titan stuff has happened, mostly concerning Syntech and the events surrounding them. I haven’t contributed much of anything to this, which makes me feel bad. Kinda. In my current state of mind, it hasn’t been much of a priority for me. Sorry, Andy. You deserve better than I can give you right now.
5. Dylan’s been deleted. ICly, I’m saying he moved back to Yokohama to battle the Yakuza there, and is something of a hometown hero. He had nothing going besides a tenuous connection to Crescent Scorpion. Neither of them garnered much interest, and he won’t be missed. P’s player tried to compare it to Danny, who she says has nothing but I won’t let her delete Danny. They’re nothing alike. Danny has friends, and was involved in several of VKD’s arcs. She’s been one of the star players in the Zukt’ar arc thus far. She has a rather touching (IMO) brother/sister relationship with Caden. Danny’s a vibrant toon with an interesting story. Dylan was eye candy, really. That’s it. Sure, I could’ve tried harder to ‘push’ him out there, but why? He’s not interesting. PRAETORIAN Dylan, on the other hand…..he’s got some life in him yet. I hope I get to put him out there some more.
That’s largely it. Aside from the odd TF/SF/raid, I’ve barely been in game at all for the last couple weeks. I’ve lost a lot of interest, and with the momentum lost on the stories and plots I’ve been working on, they’re falling by the wayside. Jack’s Wales arc ended after only two stories. Lue’s had nothing. Priest’s had nothing. Mindlord’s had nothing, and it’s really beginning to look as if I’m going to resolve that all with a story. I’m getting the glimmerings of an idea that’ll put Jack and Mindlord over, tie up some loose ends, and allow me to give Mindlord the epic send-off he deserves. Let’s face it, no one in our blueside group even considers Mindlord a threat anyway. If I run them through the missions I had planned, they’d ‘no-sell’ him. It’s part of a tendency I’ve noticed amongst 95% of the RP hero-type toons I’ve played with. They act as if no enemy is to be feared. I’m reminded of a quote from one of Stephen King’s Dark Tower books:"I don't want your apology, least of all for being afraid," he said. "Without fear, what would we be? Mad dogs with foam on our muzzles and shit drying on our hocks."
Raina was one of the worst offenders I’d seen. She’d causally threaten to kill gods (evidently she got a Hind’s blood-stained dagger in the bottom of a fucking cereal box or something). I don’t expect heroes to piss themselves when confronted with villains, but it’d be nice if they acted as if they were capable of causing them more than a little inconvenience. They don’t realize that by no-selling their own nemeses, they make themselves less interesting. Before you get on me P, yes…Petite’s reaction to Composer did not fit that mold. And I’ll hold that up as an example of what I’m talking about. Her fear of Composer, even as she struggled to rid herself of him, made her more appealing and interesting in my mind. Anyway, I digress. I’ll do that a lot.Mindlord deserves a epic battle, and Jack deserves some payback for what Mindlord did to him. How to make that happen? I don’t know.
Anyway, to RL matters. As some of you may know, I was laid off from my job waaaaaay back in November ’09. I’d been trying to find work since then, and I slowly became more and more depressed. I threw myself into this game for solace and to forget about my problems. That’s changed. I’ve found work, and it’s changed my outlook. I’m excited, scared, and hopeful. But in other areas of my life, I’m flat. I’m having trouble maintaining interest. The other night, as TI team night wrapped up, I knew that post-mish RP was afoot, Red’s player had something he wanted to set up, and Eric wanted to talk to Jack.
What did I do? I logged off and read a book.
I apologize. It’s not like me to just bail on people who are waiting on me, but I was tired and frankly, not that into it. If I’d stayed on, I’d have half-assed it. I’m doing that a lot. I don’t feel any real emotional connection to my characters anymore. So they lack depth to me.
I have a theory. There’s someone in my circle who I care a great deal for, who’s going through a tough, painful experience. I consider this person my best friend, but they have been progressively more and more distant, I feel. I don’t fault them. They have their own life to tend to. However, it does hurt me as they withdraw, and I know that soon, they’ll be moving so far away that I’m likely to lose contact entirely.
I don’t expect them to care about me as much as I do about them. I’m happy that this person shared any of their self with me, and I treasure the time I had with them. And I’m happy knowing that this move gives them a fresh start, and maybe a stepping stone to better and brighter days. Nonetheless, it’s going to break my heart to say goodbye. Sure, we may IM here and there, but for how long until our paths diverge too much to keep that up?
So, I think that maybe I’m withdrawing as well. If I create emotional distance to match the distance I feel they’ve made, then maybe it won’t hurt as much when they’re gone. It’s like anesthesia before an amputation. Not being one for partial measures, I’ve pulled away from the game. RL beckons, and RP has grown stagnant. Raids bore the crap out of me now, and pretty much any of my toons who I care about getting to 50, are there or close to it.
I can’t say how long this will last, or how active I’ll be. I don’t know if I’ll keep this blog up, or if maybe I’ll fill it with RL, OOC thoughts and feelings. I don’t know. However, I’ll still be on IM, so if you want to chat, hit me up.
*waves*
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