So, I
have a couple things I want to touch on today.
The first is somewhat random, but I’m sure that surprises no one at this
point. I’d like to discuss a little
supermarket etiquette, as I see it.
See, for
all her faults, my mother did have a knack for being both efficient and
considerate to other people in public.
She would get really pissy when people’s stupidity got in the way of her
getting shit done, so she made sure she never got in anyone else’s way by being
stupid. Here are a few simple techniques
she taught me (without meaning to):
One…the
average supermarket aisle is wide enough for two carts, side-by-side, with just
a little bit left over. So treat it like
a two-lane blacktop road; each ‘lane’ going one direction. Don’t be a dick and park the cart right in
the middle, or at an angle. Or stand
beside your cart, thereby blocking the entire aisle. If the particular brand of ketchup you’re
looking for really DOES warrant ten goddamn minutes of soul-searching, kindly
stand behind your cart to do it. That
way, those of us that know what we’re looking for can actually GET to it.
Two…I
can’t believe that people need to be told this, but apparently they do.
LOOK
WHERE YOU’RE GOING.
Seriously. It’s not rocket science. And in the occasional case that you DO space
out, and almost run into me because you’re not paying attention, do NOT glare
at me like it’s my goddamn fault. I don’t
care how old you are! Jesus Christ. I
should legally be allowed to punch people like that.
Three…control
your kids. Yeah, I know. It’s hard.
You’re trying to grab shit, answer their questions, and keep an eye on
them. I feel ya. And I’ll accept a little rambunctiousness
from kids. I mean, they’re kids. But c’mon…at least try to LOOK like you’re
making an effort. I’m not saying to beat
their ass in the store like MY mom did, but do SOMETHING. ANYTHING.
It’s not our fault you have screaming hell spawn, why do we have to
suffer?
Ok, that’s
it. See?
I’m not unreasonable.
Now onto
a different topic. I recently picked up Blockade Billy, by Stephen King. It’s a story he wrote in 2010, and the volume
I grabbed also had Morality, another
short story of his.
Just to
warn you, there will be spoilers here.
Now, I’m
not such a screaming fanboy of King’s that I think he’s never dropped the
ball. I mean, putting himself into the
Dark Tower series as a character? Dude,
wtf? It didn’t totally kill the series
for me, but it was close. Thank God he
had the sense and decency to keep his character’s role relatively minor.
I think Blockade Billy and Morality are further examples of times that he got it wrong. Blockade
Billy’s premise is effective enough, and it displays the same attention to
dialogue and character that make me a fan.
He just knows how to make his characters believable. It’s like you almost want to go, “Hey, yeah,
I know that guy! He was the butcher in
the town I grew up in!” or whatever. I
don’t quite have King’s love of baseball so I probably missed out on some of
the feel he was going for.
Where I
feel he got it wrong was how he revealed the twist. It was pretty flat. Imagine if you read 2/3 of Carrie, and then someone told you, “Then
she went apeshit and killed them with her mind before dying herself.” It felt kind of like that. There was no real build-up, and it left the
twist a bit unsatisfying to me.
Morality, to me, was even worse. The upshot goes like this: A young, loving couple is struggling with
finances. The wife is working as a nurse
for a rich, elderly man who has lived a life free of sin. I call bullshit on that, but whatever. Before he dies, he wants to experience sin ‘by
proxy’, so he offers the wife and her husband $200,000 to commit a sin on his
behalf and videotape it for him.
They
eventually agree. The sin in question is
that the wife will disguise herself, walk up to a young child in the park, and
punch him in the face. They do so, get
the money, and are never caught.
However, they don’t get off scot-free.
The wife starts to change, cheating on her husband and wanting to be beaten
during sex. Their marriage falls apart,
and they divorce. Naturally, she gets
all the money and the house, and at the end, seems pretty content with herself. Typical.
I have a
number of objections here. First, I find
it hard to believe that one act could totally devastate and change the
perpetrator forever. People are very
good at rationalizing things away. Second,
while the wife’s character changes, she still ends the story having been
rewarded for what she did. King’s
usually more apt to make sure that bad karma comes back to get his villains in
the end. It’s not as if he HAS to do
that, I just would have enjoyed it more if he had.
I don’t
know what message he was going for here, but if I had to hazard a guess, it’s
that anyone’s morality is negotiable. I
don’t know if I’d have done what the characters did or not. Right now, in the warm light of the sun, I
would say no. But if I was staring at
$200K in cash, would I be so moral? If I
knew I’d never get caught, would I do it?
I don’t know.
How
about you?
