My head’s in a strange place these days. Maybe it’s the full moon. Let me get the whiny part out of the way
first.
My job fucking SUCKS.
I’m not a salesperson by any stretch, and the way this company writes
their scripts is HORRIBLE. I’m supposed
to just read these scripts near verbatim, but they’re so clunky and
disclaimer-laden that I’m actually embarrassed.
According to my supervisor, we have a 98% rejection rate. 98 PERCENT???
So, if I take 200 calls a day, I MIGHT close a sale on four people? Yeah, this so isn’t me. Especially since, being a temp, I have
another 3 months or so before I have a shot at being made permanent, at which
point I can actually make commission on what I’m selling. No, seriously. I have to sell this shit for about 3 months
with no commission. Ugh. I’m still
looking for jobs.
However, I’m not allowed to talk to SK about my job. I’m not kidding. She doesn’t want me venting about my job,
because it ‘raises her stress level’.
The HELL? She’s working a job
she’s been doing for like 40+ years that she LOVES, working for herself. She owns the house we live in outright, no
mortgage. She has no debt, no car
payments. Her closest family live in NJ,
and she never talks to them. I’m doing
99% of the cooking, the cleaning, most of the laundry, and whatever else she
asks me to do. What the FUCK does she
have to be stressed about?
Meanwhile, I’m working a shitty job for like $9/hour, and
I’m trying to balance that against being there for her, and my school
assignments and such. I have chronic
depression, my back hurts all the time (to the point where I don’t even pay it
attention anymore), I have no healthcare, I’m always exhausted, I’m always
fucking broke, and I’m living with someone I can’t even have a fucking
intelligent conversation with. I don’t
even really game all that much anymore.
I have little time, and less energy.
I have maybe 1-2 friends that I occasionally get to talk to, but aside
from moral support, they can’t help me.
But God FORBID I vent to SK.
Doesn’t matter, it’s not as if she listens or even has the basic human
capacity for compassion or empathy. If I
died, she would miss me…but only because she’d have to do shit for
herself. It feels very weird. It’s like no one’s responding to what I say. Hell, I don’t even know if anyone reads this
blog anymore. I *think* Mel does, but
that’s it. And it’s ok. I said a long time ago that I was doing this
for me.
You want to know what’s even weirder?
I’m ok. I mean, I’m
not happy, but I’m not falling apart here either. I’ve had a lot of time alone with my job
letting me out after SK’s already asleep.
I’m poking around, trying out a couple of new things. First up, I’ve started picking up a little
Spanish from this website. It’s
interesting. They’re teaching basic
Spanish with an over-arching drama/mystery plot going on. I’m only two episodes in, and I can tell you
this much: Teresa has a pretty cute
neighbor, but while her sister’s also cute, she’s kind of a bitch. I hope I can find the time and willpower to
stick with it. If nothing else, being
bilingual will give me a HUGE boost to my marketability.
This all got started by StumbleUpon dropping me here. I read the article and was intrigued. Obviously, I can’t do a lot of what it
suggests, like travel, but I’ve always wanted to broaden my perceptions and
horizons a little. I’ve felt stuck in a
rut for a long time, and it makes me feel stupid and insecure. I mentioned the Spanish site to SK, and she
replied, “Huh? When have you had time to
do that?” That’s it, she had no interest
otherwise. Typical. One thing about her I both envy and pity is
her total contentment with herself. She
has no interest in improving herself, or trying anything new.
I mention the Spanish site also because it’s started to find
its way into my dreams…which lately are a weird-ass mix of SWTOR PVP, horror
movies, this job, and the Spanish website.
I’ve started to develop some rather paranoid theories about Teresa and
why she bailed on joining my character on this trip to Madrid.
I think maybe my increased writing may have something to do
with me keeping it together lately. I
don’t know. All I know is it feels like
this blog is basically my sole means to get things off my chest anymore. So, at least for the time being, you’ll
probably see more posts here. I don’t
know if my writing’s still any good, or even if I have an audience. But since I’m doing this for me, I suppose it
doesn’t really matter.
