Random Acts of Senseless Emotional Violence

All right, it seems that writing about not being able to write is, in fact, writing.  I don’t get it, but I can’t handle letting down one more person in my life, so here’s some more words that don’t mean anything.  I can’t create anything.  I’ve tried, but nothing comes.  I’m totally blocked. 

I’m angry.  I’m frustrated.   This is supposed to be what I do to express myself and unwind, but between game and school, it’s like I’ve got people screaming at me to write more, more, more.   And the more they scream, the less I can write.  It’s like I’m being strangled.  I’ve already got someone perched on my shoulder, jamming their nose into every single thing I do.  I can’t even think anymore.  I can’t find a single quiet moment.  I’m coming apart.  Every story, every blog post hurts more coming out than the one prior.

This has been a truly rotten fucking day, and it’s only 1pm.  I had to witness an UGLY fight this morning between my ‘gf’ and her son and his wife.  People just need to learn to leave well enough alone.  And learn to fucking listen.  I’m emotionally trashed right now.  My ‘gf’ wants to talk about over and over and over, reinforce her own warped opinion, and I’m supposed to support what she did.

You know what?

I DON’T FUCKING CARE.  I don’t care.  I don’t have enough emotional energy left to invest in anyone.  I’m dead inside.  The world can go fuck itself.  I’ve given, and given of myself, and it’s never enough.  Ever stop to think that there’s not that much to me?  What about what I need, huh?  When does that start mattering?

Now, I have to write in this blog, because I made a promise.  Ok, cool.  As long as no one cares about quality.  If you like reading the ramblings of someone who’s going insane.  I’m not a writer.  Do you understand me?

I’m not a writer. 

I can’t write anymore.   I can’t RP anymore.  I can’t.  I have nothing left to draw from.  Sure, you may disagree.  That’s your prerogative.   All I know is it’s gotten harder and harder to find words, and I hate all of them as soon as I put them out there.   And they don’t make me feel any better.